letting go of the past

OK how do tell someone to get out of your life after being in it for 21 years? I mean hit the road and don't look back. No regrets no recriminations. Just goodbye.

My high school boyfriend tried to make a full time come back into my life about 3 years ago when I was going through a very sudden and painful divorce. I have tolerated him this long (not as a boyfriend or lover but as a link to my past) because I was thinking my bitterness over my marriage was what was making him so annoying to me and because he had been there in the darkest days and hours. He will always have a part of me as we were together six years and were engaged when I was in college not to mention that just about every time one of us ended a relationship with someone else over the past 15 years, the other would come along to fill the empty space. It was just a given. Like an unspoken agreement between us. Funny thing is that in all that time, we have never been actual lovers. I mean we have messed around and stuff but have never had intercourse no matter how close we came. It was admirable at first because we were waiting for marriage then broke up for a bit and both virginities went out the window then got back together and decided to wait. I have no idea why during all of our rendez vous, we have never taken that step though we often were hovering right at the edge of reason. So I can't even say that sex is what keeps me from cutting him out of my life like a cancerous tumor. I think sentiment is the real culprit.

Let me explain that one - back when we first met at the age of 14, I was actually calling his friend my boyfriend, had been for almost 2 years. On that day he told his boy, "sorry dude, you know you just lost your girl, right?" It was another year before he and I actually started "dating" and he scared the hell out of me with his intensity and firm belief that I was the best thing ever to happen to him. That I was the smartest, the funniest, the most beautiful person her had ever met. That is all a bit much to take in at 15. But even then, even with all the words (he always has been a word pimp and I will ever be a word ho LOL!) and his wealth of emotions, he did not know how to appreciate me or show respect or not be totally selfcentered.

I have watched him make screw up after screw up in his life and in mine. He is one of the most charming, personable and friendly people you would ever meet, well read and very intelligent but the flip side of his coin is highly manipulative, spoiled, self-centered and just plain stupid. Sounds harsh, I know, but there it is. Ever hear the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well that about sums him up. I know he never means to be petty or self-serving or arrogant or hurtful but.... he is. I know he would give me the shirt off his back and put the world at my feet, as long as someone else handed it to him first and he did not have to break a sweat. He would drape me in diamonds and feed me the sweetest ambrosia, but he would not want or desire to work for it or earn it. He will not active;y participate in his own life or mine. One of his favorite sayings to me when I ask him how he can be so comfortable with me doing everything and him doing nothing is "I would rather owe you than cheat you." See what I mean? There is always a caveat - if he can't do it grand style then he won't do it at all.

Get rich schemes are his specialty. He is always willing to put his last dollar into some hair brained plot because he never worries about going hungry or doing without because there will always be someone to bail him out before it gets too bad. Yes, he is currently homeless and all his possessions are in a single duffel bag but he knows he has a safety net in his friends and family so it doesn't bother him. He just camps out at whatever handy 24 hour restaurant nursing a single cup of coffee and plotting his next grand idea. If it is honest labor or not glamorous work, he wants nothing to do with it. Let me be fair, he will do it for a minute until he breaks a nail or dirties his hands then he comes up with some excuse - oh I quit because I did not like the way the boss treated someone else, or I left there because I did not feel like I was getting the right training to do the job or whatever he pulls out of his ass, but does he wait til he has another job first - oh hell no, that would make too much sense.

I am finally getting to a better place and ready to try dating again for real (I dated some after the divorce but it was very halfhearted and painful). He has told me that he will never respect any other relationship I have since to him, I will always be his girl. He calls me constantly and leaves messages about how much he loves or misses me (I have not seen him in almost a year though he moved to my area 2.5 years ago to be near me). IT is kind of creepy actually. It would be creepy and flattering if it were not for the fact that I believe his professed love is a control mechanism. He doesn't even know me any more. I barely know me. I am such a different person from 3 years ago let alone 9 years ago when we were last together really dating. I have taken time away from his calls and know that it is time to break the tie with him but then there is a part of me that does not want to hurt him like that since I know how all to well how that feels and there is a part that I do not want to claim that is scared to let go of the only person who adores me and worships me - even if it is all a sentimental lie.

The lie he tells when he says he loves me and the lie I tell myself when I say his words don't matter.