Coming up with a plan

Kind of a weird weekend. I took friday off because....well just because. I promised myself more of that this year, me time. Even if I don't do a blessed thing productive but to have some time with no demands or expectations. Later in the year I will focus on productive things but for now I just need to get in tough with who I am now since most of the time I feel like I am living with a stranger. So family, friends, work whatever all take a backseat ( except of course for my daughter but even she will have to learn that mommy does need a few moments to herself every now and then she is almost 12 so more than old enough to understand).

I keep focusing on my weight but I am fighting a losing battle there until the get the rest of my emotional baggage packed and on a plane to Faraway City. So I am not really ready to touch the deep painful stuff yet though I know it is the primary root of the evil that invades me. So I will instead be a coward and take the easy way out by dealing with the periphery items in my life that need to be addressed - the high school sweetheart, my job, housing situation, finances etc. I know, I know - those are all actually kind of major things but if you knew the darkness within, you would understand that those are a piece of cake by comparison.

So first the high school sweet heart. I have made the decision to cut contact with him. Now I just need to get the energy to tell him. LOL. Lately I have been doing this ostrich thing with my problems which is not like me. So I am not taking his calls or returning them or text messages or e-mails etc....by the way, how the hell do you end up broke and homeless, living literally on the street but still have a cell phone and e-mail? LOL. Sorry sidetracked thought there. So that is a decision made no matter how much it hurts due to our almost lifelong ties but it is a very necessary one. Kind of my start to letting go of the past and Jess is very, very much part of my past and has so foreseeable roll in my future. If he is meant to be there then he will show back up with a sign but until then - adios mi amigo.

As for the job situation. I am finding more and more that I hate my job and that I wish I could be more of a full time or at least more time spent being a part-time mom. Having to hold everything down by myself with no family around is tough. I am paranoid that I am gonna screw her up and give her the same complexes and insecurities I was bred to have. Please don't let that happen. I think I am doing ok but the stress is too much sometimes. ok back to my job, I am basically being look at to take over for my team lead. He has put it on my performance eval that he thinks I would be the perfect person to take his spot when he moves up the ladder later this year ( he is finishing up a management training program which will put him in upper management). Well I am finding that I really don't want his job. When I first started with my company almost 10 years ago, I was very career driven and goal oriented. Right now all I want is to make a good living and have some peace. And while having his job would give me a better living, I am doing good now and there definitely would be no peace ( I basically do most of the aspects of his job now so I do speak from a place of knowledge, not conjecture. But at least it is not all my responsibility and I can give stuff back to him to do when it is too much. But to be fair, I am still doing my own job while covering for him most of the time.) I don't want to be the type of employee who just comes to work, puts in my 8 and goes home with not a lot of extra effort or initiative in between. But I busted my ass like a demon last year to justify a pay grade promotion this year ( which I will not find out about until end of April) and it was not worth it. I was exhausted all the time ( I do have a lot of health issues which does not help not to mention the 2+ hour commute round trip each day), I was cranky and edgy and stressed and I guess right now just is not a good time for me to have added professional responsibility on top of everything else.

Housing situation - I signed a contract to build a house last May (2006). Well the house was not supposed to be complete until May of this year (2007) so I had planned it all out financially to have all my bills paid and the closing costs etc saved by then. Well the builder moved up my closing 6 months to November 2006!!! I tried and tried and there was just no feasible way I could comfortably close on the house and pay the mortgage and my remaining bills (including student loan and paying off the divorce since I was the primary breadwinner) and I had a $4500 lease break penalty on a lease that I would not have signed if I had known the house would be done early. So I had to decide about walking away from my $5000 deposit or facing foreclosure in about 6 months. My family was not trying or able to help. I chose to lose the money, which hurt but was the lesser of 2 evils at the time. Well now my lease will be up in May and I have to decide if I am going to try to convince the owners to renew it at a reasonable rate with a home buying clause or if I am just going to move to a cheaper rental and save even more money to buy a house next year? Obviously I really can't buy this May since I now have to make up the $5k deposit I lost. Not to mention I got stupid after the decision was made and that takes us to finances.....

Once I broke the contract, I was mad and upset but also relieved.....a new house was right up there with work....more responsibility than I really wanted or needed right now. I realized that I was only buying a house because people said I should. Because almost all my friends are in a house and I feel that by my age I really should be in one also. But deep down I knew the whole time I was not ready. So when I cancelled the contract, I withdrew the money I had saved to that date for the house and blew a good portion of it on new furniture and upgraded the Xmas trip I took with my daughter. I also bought the laptop I am now typing on and got a new camera. That is when I realized that I had not really bought myself anything in about 3 years. Did I need to go overboard like that? No but hell for the first time in my life I felt like an adult - LOL. I did not have to ask anyone else for permission to do what the hell I wanted. I still have some money left and I promised myself I would pay off a couple credit cards early ( they are scheduled under my current budget to get paid off in May) and maybe my student loan. But I am having a hard time writing those checks. I am liking looking at my bank account and seeing several zeros. It is not a lot of money by any means but it is probably the most I have every had in my checking account at one time. I usually stash money in other accounts so I forget about it and won;t touch it. Anything in checking is open season. LOL. So I want to be better about that and start keeping financial promises to myself this year.

Wish me luck!

Peace, love & hairgrease,
~CC