sitting here watching IdleWild and drinking pomegranate martinis. Chilling on my new sofa and pondering the meaning of life. Life - a funny concept. My life is a utter mess right now and it is my own fault. I mean other people have been contributing factors but the blame rests wholly and solely on me. Yet the one thing on this earth that I am proud of and have faith that I did right was my daughter. She is just one of the most awesome people I know, and since she is a part of me, a living, breathing, walking, talking piece of my soul then doesn't that mean that everything that is right and wonderful about her is inside of me? She is strong and brave and responsible and kind and funny and charming and smart. So doesn't that mean that deep down I also have all of those traits? That she is me in some ways?
They say we live through our kids and watching her I know it is true. While I may not be all those things in my own life....when she needs me...I am each of those things in turn or collectively depending on the situation. It is humbling. But she gives me the strength and desire to do better and more and greater. If for no other reason that she is such a reflection of myself that I want that reflection to be wonderful and grand and amazing. She has all the potential in the world. It is at her feet, awaiting her command. She is the person I could have become if I had had a mother like myself.
There has long been a debate of nature versus nurture. Well my daughter and I prove it. She has all the skills and abilities I do except she has someone totally in her corner, who lets her know it every day. Who she knows will keep her in line but also got to the mat for her if anyone stands in her way or messes with her. This gives her the confidence and foundation to go out and conquer the world. I never had that - the support and unconditional love. And I wonder what could have been. I make up for that everyday with my daughter.
She is simply, in my eyes at least.....perfection personified.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Grease brought me a realization
Teyonna's middle school got the rights to the musical Grease and are putting on a dinner theater production of it in April. Well Tey tried out and was cast as a preppy girl and chorus member. So tonight we had the kick off meeting for the cast of Grease. I do not consider myself poor or disadvantaged but I sometimes forget that we live in a pretty rich area and my daughter attends a well moneyed school. I live smack dab in the middle of million dollar plus homes. I lucked up on a new apartment development (which has since gone condo) in the area when the X and I split up. So the rent while still on the high side was affordable and the area is very safe plus it has taken off since then. Well I got kind of reminded tonight that we are so not one of the privileged. To pull into the parking lot of her school in my Hyundai and there is a fleet of Jags, BMWs, Mercedez, Range Rovers, Hummers, etc. Was on thing then to go in and see the women just dripping with bling wearing Prada shoes and carrying $1000 purses etc ( LOL - I was cracking up). Well they took one look at me in my Payless shoes, Lane Bryant outfit and turned their collective surgically enhanced noses up at me. I actually found it amusing, which seemed to piss them off even more.
They went out of their way to let me know I was not welcome. We had to get in line to pick up informational papers and the other parents acted like I did not exist, they stepped right in front of me, cut me in line, ignored me when I said anything etc. Not one parent would respond when I said hello. They just do not realize that growing up as a black female in a small town on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, I have dealt with all kinds of ignorance and discrimination and in the summer all the "rich" people came to town, opened up their 14 room summer "cottages" and treated us local like crap. I know I sound jealous and jaded but I'm not. I had to work for enough of those people and became privy enough to their lives to know that while they had a whole hell of a lot more money than my family did...they had the same problems and then some. Now I won't lie and say it would not have been nice to have some of that money but when they forgot to appear carefree and happy, they really seemed actually kind of lonely and sad.
Well back to the school. There was a mother who was sitting at my table and I wondered why she did not go get an info packet and when I offered her to share mine, she smiled and said that she was deaf. I was able to communicate to her that she needed a packet then I spent the rest of the 1.5 hour info session, writing down the main points she needed to know so she would not miss anything that was not already in the packet. This seemed to make me sink even lower in the other parent's eyes. I heard a mother in front of me turn around look at us and say to her friend in a loud whisper, "why is she bothering with her?" and nudge her head at us. Now since we were at the back of the room with no one behind us....I whispered in an equally loud whisper "Why do you care?" She huffed and turned red and turned around and proceeded to make comments about "her kind" and "don't get me started on that other one".
Now I don't know if there was history between her and the other mother I was helping or not but damn, can you grow the hell up and get some manners? It was in that second that I realized something....they may have more money than I will ever see in my life but I have something that they most likely will never have - a good heart. I may be a bitch on wheels a good portion of the time but I have never been one to walk away from anyone needing help and the other parents proved that money doesn't buy you everything....well at least not the things that count.
Peace, Love and Hairgrease
~CC
They went out of their way to let me know I was not welcome. We had to get in line to pick up informational papers and the other parents acted like I did not exist, they stepped right in front of me, cut me in line, ignored me when I said anything etc. Not one parent would respond when I said hello. They just do not realize that growing up as a black female in a small town on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, I have dealt with all kinds of ignorance and discrimination and in the summer all the "rich" people came to town, opened up their 14 room summer "cottages" and treated us local like crap. I know I sound jealous and jaded but I'm not. I had to work for enough of those people and became privy enough to their lives to know that while they had a whole hell of a lot more money than my family did...they had the same problems and then some. Now I won't lie and say it would not have been nice to have some of that money but when they forgot to appear carefree and happy, they really seemed actually kind of lonely and sad.
Well back to the school. There was a mother who was sitting at my table and I wondered why she did not go get an info packet and when I offered her to share mine, she smiled and said that she was deaf. I was able to communicate to her that she needed a packet then I spent the rest of the 1.5 hour info session, writing down the main points she needed to know so she would not miss anything that was not already in the packet. This seemed to make me sink even lower in the other parent's eyes. I heard a mother in front of me turn around look at us and say to her friend in a loud whisper, "why is she bothering with her?" and nudge her head at us. Now since we were at the back of the room with no one behind us....I whispered in an equally loud whisper "Why do you care?" She huffed and turned red and turned around and proceeded to make comments about "her kind" and "don't get me started on that other one".
Now I don't know if there was history between her and the other mother I was helping or not but damn, can you grow the hell up and get some manners? It was in that second that I realized something....they may have more money than I will ever see in my life but I have something that they most likely will never have - a good heart. I may be a bitch on wheels a good portion of the time but I have never been one to walk away from anyone needing help and the other parents proved that money doesn't buy you everything....well at least not the things that count.
Peace, Love and Hairgrease
~CC
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Coming up with a plan
Kind of a weird weekend. I took friday off because....well just because. I promised myself more of that this year, me time. Even if I don't do a blessed thing productive but to have some time with no demands or expectations. Later in the year I will focus on productive things but for now I just need to get in tough with who I am now since most of the time I feel like I am living with a stranger. So family, friends, work whatever all take a backseat ( except of course for my daughter but even she will have to learn that mommy does need a few moments to herself every now and then she is almost 12 so more than old enough to understand).
I keep focusing on my weight but I am fighting a losing battle there until the get the rest of my emotional baggage packed and on a plane to Faraway City. So I am not really ready to touch the deep painful stuff yet though I know it is the primary root of the evil that invades me. So I will instead be a coward and take the easy way out by dealing with the periphery items in my life that need to be addressed - the high school sweetheart, my job, housing situation, finances etc. I know, I know - those are all actually kind of major things but if you knew the darkness within, you would understand that those are a piece of cake by comparison.
So first the high school sweet heart. I have made the decision to cut contact with him. Now I just need to get the energy to tell him. LOL. Lately I have been doing this ostrich thing with my problems which is not like me. So I am not taking his calls or returning them or text messages or e-mails etc....by the way, how the hell do you end up broke and homeless, living literally on the street but still have a cell phone and e-mail? LOL. Sorry sidetracked thought there. So that is a decision made no matter how much it hurts due to our almost lifelong ties but it is a very necessary one. Kind of my start to letting go of the past and Jess is very, very much part of my past and has so foreseeable roll in my future. If he is meant to be there then he will show back up with a sign but until then - adios mi amigo.
As for the job situation. I am finding more and more that I hate my job and that I wish I could be more of a full time or at least more time spent being a part-time mom. Having to hold everything down by myself with no family around is tough. I am paranoid that I am gonna screw her up and give her the same complexes and insecurities I was bred to have. Please don't let that happen. I think I am doing ok but the stress is too much sometimes. ok back to my job, I am basically being look at to take over for my team lead. He has put it on my performance eval that he thinks I would be the perfect person to take his spot when he moves up the ladder later this year ( he is finishing up a management training program which will put him in upper management). Well I am finding that I really don't want his job. When I first started with my company almost 10 years ago, I was very career driven and goal oriented. Right now all I want is to make a good living and have some peace. And while having his job would give me a better living, I am doing good now and there definitely would be no peace ( I basically do most of the aspects of his job now so I do speak from a place of knowledge, not conjecture. But at least it is not all my responsibility and I can give stuff back to him to do when it is too much. But to be fair, I am still doing my own job while covering for him most of the time.) I don't want to be the type of employee who just comes to work, puts in my 8 and goes home with not a lot of extra effort or initiative in between. But I busted my ass like a demon last year to justify a pay grade promotion this year ( which I will not find out about until end of April) and it was not worth it. I was exhausted all the time ( I do have a lot of health issues which does not help not to mention the 2+ hour commute round trip each day), I was cranky and edgy and stressed and I guess right now just is not a good time for me to have added professional responsibility on top of everything else.
Housing situation - I signed a contract to build a house last May (2006). Well the house was not supposed to be complete until May of this year (2007) so I had planned it all out financially to have all my bills paid and the closing costs etc saved by then. Well the builder moved up my closing 6 months to November 2006!!! I tried and tried and there was just no feasible way I could comfortably close on the house and pay the mortgage and my remaining bills (including student loan and paying off the divorce since I was the primary breadwinner) and I had a $4500 lease break penalty on a lease that I would not have signed if I had known the house would be done early. So I had to decide about walking away from my $5000 deposit or facing foreclosure in about 6 months. My family was not trying or able to help. I chose to lose the money, which hurt but was the lesser of 2 evils at the time. Well now my lease will be up in May and I have to decide if I am going to try to convince the owners to renew it at a reasonable rate with a home buying clause or if I am just going to move to a cheaper rental and save even more money to buy a house next year? Obviously I really can't buy this May since I now have to make up the $5k deposit I lost. Not to mention I got stupid after the decision was made and that takes us to finances.....
Once I broke the contract, I was mad and upset but also relieved.....a new house was right up there with work....more responsibility than I really wanted or needed right now. I realized that I was only buying a house because people said I should. Because almost all my friends are in a house and I feel that by my age I really should be in one also. But deep down I knew the whole time I was not ready. So when I cancelled the contract, I withdrew the money I had saved to that date for the house and blew a good portion of it on new furniture and upgraded the Xmas trip I took with my daughter. I also bought the laptop I am now typing on and got a new camera. That is when I realized that I had not really bought myself anything in about 3 years. Did I need to go overboard like that? No but hell for the first time in my life I felt like an adult - LOL. I did not have to ask anyone else for permission to do what the hell I wanted. I still have some money left and I promised myself I would pay off a couple credit cards early ( they are scheduled under my current budget to get paid off in May) and maybe my student loan. But I am having a hard time writing those checks. I am liking looking at my bank account and seeing several zeros. It is not a lot of money by any means but it is probably the most I have every had in my checking account at one time. I usually stash money in other accounts so I forget about it and won;t touch it. Anything in checking is open season. LOL. So I want to be better about that and start keeping financial promises to myself this year.
Wish me luck!
Peace, love & hairgrease,
~CC
I keep focusing on my weight but I am fighting a losing battle there until the get the rest of my emotional baggage packed and on a plane to Faraway City. So I am not really ready to touch the deep painful stuff yet though I know it is the primary root of the evil that invades me. So I will instead be a coward and take the easy way out by dealing with the periphery items in my life that need to be addressed - the high school sweetheart, my job, housing situation, finances etc. I know, I know - those are all actually kind of major things but if you knew the darkness within, you would understand that those are a piece of cake by comparison.
So first the high school sweet heart. I have made the decision to cut contact with him. Now I just need to get the energy to tell him. LOL. Lately I have been doing this ostrich thing with my problems which is not like me. So I am not taking his calls or returning them or text messages or e-mails etc....by the way, how the hell do you end up broke and homeless, living literally on the street but still have a cell phone and e-mail? LOL. Sorry sidetracked thought there. So that is a decision made no matter how much it hurts due to our almost lifelong ties but it is a very necessary one. Kind of my start to letting go of the past and Jess is very, very much part of my past and has so foreseeable roll in my future. If he is meant to be there then he will show back up with a sign but until then - adios mi amigo.
As for the job situation. I am finding more and more that I hate my job and that I wish I could be more of a full time or at least more time spent being a part-time mom. Having to hold everything down by myself with no family around is tough. I am paranoid that I am gonna screw her up and give her the same complexes and insecurities I was bred to have. Please don't let that happen. I think I am doing ok but the stress is too much sometimes. ok back to my job, I am basically being look at to take over for my team lead. He has put it on my performance eval that he thinks I would be the perfect person to take his spot when he moves up the ladder later this year ( he is finishing up a management training program which will put him in upper management). Well I am finding that I really don't want his job. When I first started with my company almost 10 years ago, I was very career driven and goal oriented. Right now all I want is to make a good living and have some peace. And while having his job would give me a better living, I am doing good now and there definitely would be no peace ( I basically do most of the aspects of his job now so I do speak from a place of knowledge, not conjecture. But at least it is not all my responsibility and I can give stuff back to him to do when it is too much. But to be fair, I am still doing my own job while covering for him most of the time.) I don't want to be the type of employee who just comes to work, puts in my 8 and goes home with not a lot of extra effort or initiative in between. But I busted my ass like a demon last year to justify a pay grade promotion this year ( which I will not find out about until end of April) and it was not worth it. I was exhausted all the time ( I do have a lot of health issues which does not help not to mention the 2+ hour commute round trip each day), I was cranky and edgy and stressed and I guess right now just is not a good time for me to have added professional responsibility on top of everything else.
Housing situation - I signed a contract to build a house last May (2006). Well the house was not supposed to be complete until May of this year (2007) so I had planned it all out financially to have all my bills paid and the closing costs etc saved by then. Well the builder moved up my closing 6 months to November 2006!!! I tried and tried and there was just no feasible way I could comfortably close on the house and pay the mortgage and my remaining bills (including student loan and paying off the divorce since I was the primary breadwinner) and I had a $4500 lease break penalty on a lease that I would not have signed if I had known the house would be done early. So I had to decide about walking away from my $5000 deposit or facing foreclosure in about 6 months. My family was not trying or able to help. I chose to lose the money, which hurt but was the lesser of 2 evils at the time. Well now my lease will be up in May and I have to decide if I am going to try to convince the owners to renew it at a reasonable rate with a home buying clause or if I am just going to move to a cheaper rental and save even more money to buy a house next year? Obviously I really can't buy this May since I now have to make up the $5k deposit I lost. Not to mention I got stupid after the decision was made and that takes us to finances.....
Once I broke the contract, I was mad and upset but also relieved.....a new house was right up there with work....more responsibility than I really wanted or needed right now. I realized that I was only buying a house because people said I should. Because almost all my friends are in a house and I feel that by my age I really should be in one also. But deep down I knew the whole time I was not ready. So when I cancelled the contract, I withdrew the money I had saved to that date for the house and blew a good portion of it on new furniture and upgraded the Xmas trip I took with my daughter. I also bought the laptop I am now typing on and got a new camera. That is when I realized that I had not really bought myself anything in about 3 years. Did I need to go overboard like that? No but hell for the first time in my life I felt like an adult - LOL. I did not have to ask anyone else for permission to do what the hell I wanted. I still have some money left and I promised myself I would pay off a couple credit cards early ( they are scheduled under my current budget to get paid off in May) and maybe my student loan. But I am having a hard time writing those checks. I am liking looking at my bank account and seeing several zeros. It is not a lot of money by any means but it is probably the most I have every had in my checking account at one time. I usually stash money in other accounts so I forget about it and won;t touch it. Anything in checking is open season. LOL. So I want to be better about that and start keeping financial promises to myself this year.
Wish me luck!
Peace, love & hairgrease,
~CC
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Mud Pie Mojo Dreams
Sitting here watching American Idol. What happened to good old fashioned family and friends who told it like it was and did not, I repeat, did not let you go out and make a fool of yourself? If you couldn't sing, you knew it....if you didn't know it, someone made sure to tell you. LOL. Oh well it does provide some good entertainment though I have to wonder - how many know they suck but just want the moment of fame?
Anyways took my daughter to see crazy doctor ( as I call the therapist) today. She only goes once in a while to discuss her anger and abandonment issues since the divorce. Well they ended up having a grand conversation about how different I am now and how quiet and not like the mom she used to know. How I sometimes just get lifeless or zone. Which is very true. I have been very good at hiding what is going on with me at work and to other people and I try to do the same at home but I think the strain of holding up a false front all day every day causes it to crack around the edges once I am home though I try desperately to hold on to it until she goes to bed. So something to think about and work on. I have noticed that I am becoming socially inept though. I spend so much time alone and behind closed doors that while I used to be very capable of handling myself in just about any social situation, I now have a hard time even having a one on one conversation with someone. Hell I went to lunch with 2 girls from work who I usually get together with once or twice a month for lunch and I was like a zombie. Usually we get along good and it goes smooth but I just did not have it in me to even pretend that I was into what they were saying. I didn't care one way or the other, no anger or sadness just numb and it is spreading. I just I think the cracks inside are getting bigger. More things to consider.
Broke my diet today by taking DD and her best friend to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream before the appointment. Mud Pie Mojo - YIKES!!! Coffee ice cream with oreos, peanut butter, fudge and whipped cream all mixed in...OMG. I have a new food group! Right up there with Merlot and Twizzlers and Starbucks. It was to die for - just oozing with fudgy peanut butter goodness with a hint of cafe au lait. Wow! Please sir, may I have another? But now I have to do an extra work out tomorrow morning - UGH! But I do believe it was worth it must stay away from that place except in my dreams. gives a new meaning to Sweet Dreams.
Peace, Love & Hairgrease,
~CC
Anyways took my daughter to see crazy doctor ( as I call the therapist) today. She only goes once in a while to discuss her anger and abandonment issues since the divorce. Well they ended up having a grand conversation about how different I am now and how quiet and not like the mom she used to know. How I sometimes just get lifeless or zone. Which is very true. I have been very good at hiding what is going on with me at work and to other people and I try to do the same at home but I think the strain of holding up a false front all day every day causes it to crack around the edges once I am home though I try desperately to hold on to it until she goes to bed. So something to think about and work on. I have noticed that I am becoming socially inept though. I spend so much time alone and behind closed doors that while I used to be very capable of handling myself in just about any social situation, I now have a hard time even having a one on one conversation with someone. Hell I went to lunch with 2 girls from work who I usually get together with once or twice a month for lunch and I was like a zombie. Usually we get along good and it goes smooth but I just did not have it in me to even pretend that I was into what they were saying. I didn't care one way or the other, no anger or sadness just numb and it is spreading. I just I think the cracks inside are getting bigger. More things to consider.
Broke my diet today by taking DD and her best friend to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream before the appointment. Mud Pie Mojo - YIKES!!! Coffee ice cream with oreos, peanut butter, fudge and whipped cream all mixed in...OMG. I have a new food group! Right up there with Merlot and Twizzlers and Starbucks. It was to die for - just oozing with fudgy peanut butter goodness with a hint of cafe au lait. Wow! Please sir, may I have another? But now I have to do an extra work out tomorrow morning - UGH! But I do believe it was worth it must stay away from that place except in my dreams. gives a new meaning to Sweet Dreams.
Peace, Love & Hairgrease,
~CC
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Bright, Sunny Sunday
Happy Sunday!
Got some necessary feedback from my last post and has given me a lot to consider.
As for today, el kiddo had her usual Saturday sleepover at my house with her best friend so I made them breakfast and am now chilling on the couch. Did not make it to the Farmer's Market like I wanted to this morning for so good, cheap, fresh fruit and veggies. Damn! But it's all good. I am laying on my new love seat ( which I am just thrilled with, see photo below) reading a book and checking e-mail. Waiting for the New England v. San Diego game at 4:30pm - Go Pats!!! I may live in Florida now but I am truly a New England girl at heart and I crack myself up sometimes at how prudish I can get at some things....throwback to growing up in a very small New England town I guess. But I am working on it.
I am trying to get the motivation to finish a novel I started writing about 2 years ago. I am down to the final chapter but I guess I just don't know how I want it to end since the main character is a spin off of me in a lot of ways. The book started as a factual accounting of the end of my marriage and then took on a life of it's own and became a kind of fictional romance( for lack of a better genre) novel. So maybe I can't finish it yet because my life is so unsettled and I don't want to end it unhappily but I am not yet in a place to believe in happily ever after. The funniest part about writing the book was that as I was writing it I let my sister and best friend read it. Well my sister ( without my knowledge or consent) had my dad read it. Well there are some very racy and explicit scenes in there just like any good romance novel - LOL. Well my dad read it and then was like "well um wow, all that sex stuff, CC sure does have a good imagination huh?" LMAO! Mind you I do have a daughter so obviously I know something about sex but I understand his shock. LOL. But he has been after me ever since to finish it and try to get it published. That has to be a good sign cuz the man may read every published newspaper every day from cover to cover but he only books he will read are autobiographies or political commentary. So that is one of my goals for the year - to finish the book and consider trying to get it published. That along with finally getting serious about losing weight and attempting to date should keep me very, very busy this coming year. Wish me luck! I may start posting excerpts here. We will see.
peace, love and hairgrease,
~CC
Got some necessary feedback from my last post and has given me a lot to consider.
As for today, el kiddo had her usual Saturday sleepover at my house with her best friend so I made them breakfast and am now chilling on the couch. Did not make it to the Farmer's Market like I wanted to this morning for so good, cheap, fresh fruit and veggies. Damn! But it's all good. I am laying on my new love seat ( which I am just thrilled with, see photo below) reading a book and checking e-mail. Waiting for the New England v. San Diego game at 4:30pm - Go Pats!!! I may live in Florida now but I am truly a New England girl at heart and I crack myself up sometimes at how prudish I can get at some things....throwback to growing up in a very small New England town I guess. But I am working on it.
I am trying to get the motivation to finish a novel I started writing about 2 years ago. I am down to the final chapter but I guess I just don't know how I want it to end since the main character is a spin off of me in a lot of ways. The book started as a factual accounting of the end of my marriage and then took on a life of it's own and became a kind of fictional romance( for lack of a better genre) novel. So maybe I can't finish it yet because my life is so unsettled and I don't want to end it unhappily but I am not yet in a place to believe in happily ever after. The funniest part about writing the book was that as I was writing it I let my sister and best friend read it. Well my sister ( without my knowledge or consent) had my dad read it. Well there are some very racy and explicit scenes in there just like any good romance novel - LOL. Well my dad read it and then was like "well um wow, all that sex stuff, CC sure does have a good imagination huh?" LMAO! Mind you I do have a daughter so obviously I know something about sex but I understand his shock. LOL. But he has been after me ever since to finish it and try to get it published. That has to be a good sign cuz the man may read every published newspaper every day from cover to cover but he only books he will read are autobiographies or political commentary. So that is one of my goals for the year - to finish the book and consider trying to get it published. That along with finally getting serious about losing weight and attempting to date should keep me very, very busy this coming year. Wish me luck! I may start posting excerpts here. We will see.
peace, love and hairgrease,
~CC
Friday, January 12, 2007
letting go of the past
OK how do tell someone to get out of your life after being in it for 21 years? I mean hit the road and don't look back. No regrets no recriminations. Just goodbye.
My high school boyfriend tried to make a full time come back into my life about 3 years ago when I was going through a very sudden and painful divorce. I have tolerated him this long (not as a boyfriend or lover but as a link to my past) because I was thinking my bitterness over my marriage was what was making him so annoying to me and because he had been there in the darkest days and hours. He will always have a part of me as we were together six years and were engaged when I was in college not to mention that just about every time one of us ended a relationship with someone else over the past 15 years, the other would come along to fill the empty space. It was just a given. Like an unspoken agreement between us. Funny thing is that in all that time, we have never been actual lovers. I mean we have messed around and stuff but have never had intercourse no matter how close we came. It was admirable at first because we were waiting for marriage then broke up for a bit and both virginities went out the window then got back together and decided to wait. I have no idea why during all of our rendez vous, we have never taken that step though we often were hovering right at the edge of reason. So I can't even say that sex is what keeps me from cutting him out of my life like a cancerous tumor. I think sentiment is the real culprit.
Let me explain that one - back when we first met at the age of 14, I was actually calling his friend my boyfriend, had been for almost 2 years. On that day he told his boy, "sorry dude, you know you just lost your girl, right?" It was another year before he and I actually started "dating" and he scared the hell out of me with his intensity and firm belief that I was the best thing ever to happen to him. That I was the smartest, the funniest, the most beautiful person her had ever met. That is all a bit much to take in at 15. But even then, even with all the words (he always has been a word pimp and I will ever be a word ho LOL!) and his wealth of emotions, he did not know how to appreciate me or show respect or not be totally selfcentered.
I have watched him make screw up after screw up in his life and in mine. He is one of the most charming, personable and friendly people you would ever meet, well read and very intelligent but the flip side of his coin is highly manipulative, spoiled, self-centered and just plain stupid. Sounds harsh, I know, but there it is. Ever hear the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well that about sums him up. I know he never means to be petty or self-serving or arrogant or hurtful but.... he is. I know he would give me the shirt off his back and put the world at my feet, as long as someone else handed it to him first and he did not have to break a sweat. He would drape me in diamonds and feed me the sweetest ambrosia, but he would not want or desire to work for it or earn it. He will not active;y participate in his own life or mine. One of his favorite sayings to me when I ask him how he can be so comfortable with me doing everything and him doing nothing is "I would rather owe you than cheat you." See what I mean? There is always a caveat - if he can't do it grand style then he won't do it at all.
Get rich schemes are his specialty. He is always willing to put his last dollar into some hair brained plot because he never worries about going hungry or doing without because there will always be someone to bail him out before it gets too bad. Yes, he is currently homeless and all his possessions are in a single duffel bag but he knows he has a safety net in his friends and family so it doesn't bother him. He just camps out at whatever handy 24 hour restaurant nursing a single cup of coffee and plotting his next grand idea. If it is honest labor or not glamorous work, he wants nothing to do with it. Let me be fair, he will do it for a minute until he breaks a nail or dirties his hands then he comes up with some excuse - oh I quit because I did not like the way the boss treated someone else, or I left there because I did not feel like I was getting the right training to do the job or whatever he pulls out of his ass, but does he wait til he has another job first - oh hell no, that would make too much sense.
I am finally getting to a better place and ready to try dating again for real (I dated some after the divorce but it was very halfhearted and painful). He has told me that he will never respect any other relationship I have since to him, I will always be his girl. He calls me constantly and leaves messages about how much he loves or misses me (I have not seen him in almost a year though he moved to my area 2.5 years ago to be near me). IT is kind of creepy actually. It would be creepy and flattering if it were not for the fact that I believe his professed love is a control mechanism. He doesn't even know me any more. I barely know me. I am such a different person from 3 years ago let alone 9 years ago when we were last together really dating. I have taken time away from his calls and know that it is time to break the tie with him but then there is a part of me that does not want to hurt him like that since I know how all to well how that feels and there is a part that I do not want to claim that is scared to let go of the only person who adores me and worships me - even if it is all a sentimental lie.
The lie he tells when he says he loves me and the lie I tell myself when I say his words don't matter.
My high school boyfriend tried to make a full time come back into my life about 3 years ago when I was going through a very sudden and painful divorce. I have tolerated him this long (not as a boyfriend or lover but as a link to my past) because I was thinking my bitterness over my marriage was what was making him so annoying to me and because he had been there in the darkest days and hours. He will always have a part of me as we were together six years and were engaged when I was in college not to mention that just about every time one of us ended a relationship with someone else over the past 15 years, the other would come along to fill the empty space. It was just a given. Like an unspoken agreement between us. Funny thing is that in all that time, we have never been actual lovers. I mean we have messed around and stuff but have never had intercourse no matter how close we came. It was admirable at first because we were waiting for marriage then broke up for a bit and both virginities went out the window then got back together and decided to wait. I have no idea why during all of our rendez vous, we have never taken that step though we often were hovering right at the edge of reason. So I can't even say that sex is what keeps me from cutting him out of my life like a cancerous tumor. I think sentiment is the real culprit.
Let me explain that one - back when we first met at the age of 14, I was actually calling his friend my boyfriend, had been for almost 2 years. On that day he told his boy, "sorry dude, you know you just lost your girl, right?" It was another year before he and I actually started "dating" and he scared the hell out of me with his intensity and firm belief that I was the best thing ever to happen to him. That I was the smartest, the funniest, the most beautiful person her had ever met. That is all a bit much to take in at 15. But even then, even with all the words (he always has been a word pimp and I will ever be a word ho LOL!) and his wealth of emotions, he did not know how to appreciate me or show respect or not be totally selfcentered.
I have watched him make screw up after screw up in his life and in mine. He is one of the most charming, personable and friendly people you would ever meet, well read and very intelligent but the flip side of his coin is highly manipulative, spoiled, self-centered and just plain stupid. Sounds harsh, I know, but there it is. Ever hear the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well that about sums him up. I know he never means to be petty or self-serving or arrogant or hurtful but.... he is. I know he would give me the shirt off his back and put the world at my feet, as long as someone else handed it to him first and he did not have to break a sweat. He would drape me in diamonds and feed me the sweetest ambrosia, but he would not want or desire to work for it or earn it. He will not active;y participate in his own life or mine. One of his favorite sayings to me when I ask him how he can be so comfortable with me doing everything and him doing nothing is "I would rather owe you than cheat you." See what I mean? There is always a caveat - if he can't do it grand style then he won't do it at all.
Get rich schemes are his specialty. He is always willing to put his last dollar into some hair brained plot because he never worries about going hungry or doing without because there will always be someone to bail him out before it gets too bad. Yes, he is currently homeless and all his possessions are in a single duffel bag but he knows he has a safety net in his friends and family so it doesn't bother him. He just camps out at whatever handy 24 hour restaurant nursing a single cup of coffee and plotting his next grand idea. If it is honest labor or not glamorous work, he wants nothing to do with it. Let me be fair, he will do it for a minute until he breaks a nail or dirties his hands then he comes up with some excuse - oh I quit because I did not like the way the boss treated someone else, or I left there because I did not feel like I was getting the right training to do the job or whatever he pulls out of his ass, but does he wait til he has another job first - oh hell no, that would make too much sense.
I am finally getting to a better place and ready to try dating again for real (I dated some after the divorce but it was very halfhearted and painful). He has told me that he will never respect any other relationship I have since to him, I will always be his girl. He calls me constantly and leaves messages about how much he loves or misses me (I have not seen him in almost a year though he moved to my area 2.5 years ago to be near me). IT is kind of creepy actually. It would be creepy and flattering if it were not for the fact that I believe his professed love is a control mechanism. He doesn't even know me any more. I barely know me. I am such a different person from 3 years ago let alone 9 years ago when we were last together really dating. I have taken time away from his calls and know that it is time to break the tie with him but then there is a part of me that does not want to hurt him like that since I know how all to well how that feels and there is a part that I do not want to claim that is scared to let go of the only person who adores me and worships me - even if it is all a sentimental lie.
The lie he tells when he says he loves me and the lie I tell myself when I say his words don't matter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)