Pity Party Night

OK day 2.

Not even sure where to start. I am struggling with weight and self hate issues today for some reason. I know I seriously need to lose weight, not even sure when the hell I gained all this weight. But it is seriously out of control now and I need to take it in hand like I do my child. The whole self hate thing I know is tied to the divorce and family stuff. I have never felt good enough for my family. We have never been a lovey dovey supportive group...we are all over achievers to a point and it stemmed from one--upmanship more than anything else. We are not close...though I do have 2 sisters, 2 brothers and a half brother - my half brother is a whole nother entry that I am not prepared to address at this time. But I am the youngest of my other brothers and sisters by a lot - there is 21 years between me and the oldest and 13 years between me and the second youngest. So I did not grow up with them but I do have neices who are my age so it always made me feel like I did not fit in anywhere in my family and people did not know how to treat me since I fell between the cracks...not a one of my neices and nephews ( I have 12 nieces and nephews and 13 great nieces and nephews) call me aunt CC. My child calls all of my brothers and sisters aunt or uncle so and so. It is hard. I feel disrepected though logically I know I really shouldn't but it is still a hard place to be in.

I am still waiting for the pain of my divorce to fade. I am really hoping it starts to do so soon. I have gotten real good at pretending to be normal when around other people. But nights like tonight drive it home and make me realize how isolated I have become. My daughter is sleeping at a friends house and I am sitting home alone drinking and wandering the house. I am still young and should be out somewhere, on a date, with friends, something but I have become very anti-social....which is so not like me. Or at least not like the old me. I did not realize how much I defined myself by my marriage until it was over. But it is like I have become a different person, just avoiding life in order to avoid hurt. It is depressing and pisses me off but I have not found the motivation to change it.

ok enough of all that. LOL. Time to lighten up.

Question - why is it that once you have a child you no longer can count on going to the bathroom alone? Every single time I go to the bathroom it seems my daughter just comes in to ask me something or to see what I am doing or to chat. I am like - "EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Do you mind?" LOL. Maybe it is just me but I don't think so.

my daughter's best friend slept over last night and my daughter is sleeping there tonight ( it is like that just about every weekend). So sad that my 11 year old has waaaay more of a social life than I do. LOL! She want to be America's Next top Model. Here is her posing:

Too much for me!

I also need to Catch ya'll up on my high school boyfriend who moved to Tampa to be near me when he heard that my marriage was ending. He was always on of my closest friends and I made the mistake of thinking that we could finally make it work ( we used to be engaged) but he has turned out to be an even bigger disappointment than my X-husband, if that is possible....but I will get into that later. I am hungry and tied and cranky so I will end this now before I ruin your day - LOL!

peace, love & hairgrease
~CC